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From the Files of the RJ's Surrealist Research Bureau

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The Spirit Lake Seer

I announce, with trembling lip and bated breath, the voice of a North Idaho prophet and seer has arisen from the aptly-named Spirit Lake environs. His arrival was heralded in the letters to the editor page of the Bonner County Daily Bee on Tuesday, April 27 (it’s worth checking out at your local library, it’s that good!). Space forbids my quoting the entire letter and I’m not sure if he’d want his name broadcast so I’ll refer to him under the neutral “Billy Sphincter.”


Billy starts off congratulating the Tea Party patriots who attended a meeting at Sandpoint’s VFW on April 17 for their decorous behavior. After two paragraphs commending his “God-fearing, Judeo Christian patriots, alarmed at the ominous Chairman Mao direction of our Marxist president,” Billy gets down to foreseeing a completely unknown (but to his eyes) imaginary meeting of “liberals” in an alternate reality or “Bizarro world.”
First, admidst the screaming obscenities, someone named “Angel Baby” is singing, “Men are sexist pigs” while “Nuke Israel Now” signs are everywhere. Everyone is bearded, in sandals unwashed, and smoking “wacky-tobacky” and calling for free dope and some “Obama money.” Others are dancing to “Shout,” inebriated and/or singing “give me Obama freebies,” looking for free food and tearing things up willy-nilly in a honkytonk, roadhouse atmosphere. All those North Idaho liberals, Billy S. assures us, wouldn’t add up to a pimple on T-Rex’s behind.


I was astounded and bewildered by Billy S.’s ability to peer into alternate universes and realities, and had just finished an article on modern physics’ and string theory’s vision of multiple universes when suddenly the sheer audacity of this far-seeing seer of alternate realities burst upon me like a supernova, and I immediately penned the following reply to the Bonner Bee (which they chose not to print, though perhaps Billy S. can tell me if it was printed after all in his “other” reality). My reply was:


In response to the letter on Tuesday, April 27 commending the tea party patriots I’d like to simply point out that “adding up to a pimple on T-Rex’s behind” begs two points of interest to those of us “calling for free dope and Obama money.” Firstly, dinosaurs, including T-Rex, due to their snake-like, saurian skin, were pimple free, even in those pre-Clearasil, antediluvian days. Perhaps he (the writer) meant the band T-Rex, but if so, that would only leave two ways to know if Marc Bolan (long-dead founder of “Bang-a-Gong” band T-Rex) had pimples on his behind. One, some sort of homosexual knowledge of the same or two, the digging up and desecration of the corpse of said Marc Bolan, either one of which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt the unamerican, nay despicable proclivities of said tea-baggers.


In conclusion, if you’d have seen the giant UFO flying over Clark Fork last year like I did, then by gum and by golly you’d be carrying a “Nuke Israel” sign too, and Angel Baby would be singing “men are sexist pigs” right along with the rest of us true believers in the Starry Wisdom Cult, all lookin’ out for free food at a honky tonk atmosphere deep in those unfathomable spaces and more, of the spaces between the spaces!”


Thank you, Jody Forest

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Author info

Jody Forest Jody Forest When he's not hidden behind the palatial gates of his Dover estate, Casa de Bozo, Jody is out using outdated and corny pickup lines on various gullible women.

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Spirit Lake, liberals

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