Hillstranded, Caddy and Snooki Triumphant!
From the files of the River Journal's Surrealist Research Bureau
What a horrible, loathesome month for afficiandos of the cryptid world. I’m a sorta’ fan of the show “Deadliest Catch” and though I’ve only seen a couple of shows, I helped pay my way through college working on a lobster boat off the Santa Barbara Islands, a relatively small boat compared with the massive Time Bandit and Northwestern ships shown on the program and one fueled, on our part at least, by cheap wine and marijuana. As most of you know, two Captains of the Deadliest Catch recently premiered that show’s latest spin-off, “Hillstranded,” featuring the Hillstrand brothers on various adventures around the Pacific Northwest.
Even before the TV show’s premier had ended the chat rooms of various cryptozoological websites (for instance www.cryptomundo.com) lit up with expletives, scorn and an absolute sense of revulsion and sell-out! Some of the more printable comments included, “What a couple of Yahoos!” “Is it me or did the Hillstrands seem drunk throughout?” “Unbelievably horrible, garbage, total garbage!”
The Discovery Channel show had been widely anticipated due to its hype as having filmed clear, unmistakeable evidence of the existence of “Caddy,” a 40- to 60-foot long apparent sea snake often sighted off the British Columbia coast. The resulting 4-5 second excerpt shown revealed merely an amorphous blob with a brief glimpse of a possible head.
Other, more serious, questions were raised as well. “Why is the video in black and white? Do they even make black and white videos anymore?” and “Re-reading earlier descriptions posted it seems now clear the wealth of details describing the film earlier were actually taken from the verbal testimony of the fishermen prior to getting their camera.”
But it was getting worse by the second half of the show. In a search for another reputed 25-foot or so beast in Alaska’s Lake Illiama, the brothers shot up the lakeside randomly with M-16s and AKs as well as drunkenly tossing grenades over the sides of their boat. “The Hillstrands spent their 15 minutes of fame in a blazing crash of a show, disgusting it was, were they drunk the whole time?” and “58 minutes of two drunks bobber fishing, then for a big finish, a hillbilly fish shoot-’em-up!” The Hillstrand brothers probably did more damage to the careful, budding science of cryptozoology in that one-hour show than a decades worth of painstaking research into the real, grandiloquent wonders of the world.
Now, Grid knows I’m a live-and-let-live kinda’ guy, but it seems as if the Snookis of the world are starting to creep into my own quiet, safe little neck of the woods. I’ve never seen “The Jersey Shore” but when someone like Snooki (or the Situation or Paulie) gets 50 grand for a half hour Q and A at a prestigious college like Princeton, then maybe it’s time for me put my heterosexual shoulder to the wheel and start helping drag these poor, lost tea baggers into the 21st Century. Hold on Snooki, Paulie, Hillstrand Brothers, Tea Baggers! Help is on the way! Surrealism will burst the fetters of the mind, if need be with real hammers!
‘til next time, All Homage to Xena!