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The Yellowstone Supervolcano and the Flying Spaghetti Monster

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The Yellowstone Supervolcano and the Flying Spaghetti Monster

A report on their commonalities, from the files of the River Journal's Surrealist Research Bureau

What do the next volcanic eruption of Yellowstone and the Flying Spaghetti Monster have in common? 

The coming volcanic eruption in Yellowstone would equal 1,000 Hiroshima-type bombs exploding every second; the last such blast formed a still rumbling caldera more than 50 miles long by 27 miles wide, a ticking time bomb. It would cover most of the U.S. under three feet of ash and propel us towards a nuclear winter.

 It was Benjamin Franklin, of all people, speaking to a group of French scientists in Paris in 1783, who first proposed a link between volcanic activity in Iceland and an abnormally long winter and dense fogs in Europe and America. His theory was confirmed 200 years later by studies pointing to the eruption of the Laki fissure as the cause of that year’s dry fogs, overcasts and lingering cold spells. So Franklin is really the father of climate change and global warming sciences.

Now, volcanoes and religions have a long history together. It’s no accident that Scientology, for instance, prominently features a colorful volcano on the cover of its “Bible,” Dianetics. It’s not so well known (only to the more financially generous and more committed acolytes above “operating thetan level III”) that in the Scientology mythos, Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, opted to eliminate the excess population of his home empire some 75 million years ago by kidnapping and paralyzing them, transporting them by spaceplanes to earth where they were laid out around existing volcanoes around the world as nuclear bombs were dropped into their craters to trigger eruptions and force humans to begin again.

Some doubtful skeptics were quick to point out that many, if not most, of the volcanoes Hubbard claims the wrathful Xenu dropped bombs into did not even exist 75 million years ago and that other areas have no history of vulcanism whatsoever. 

However, I don’t wish to pick on Scientology specifically but will spread my bile around a bit. The Flying Spaghetti Monster (or Pastafarianism) is by far my favorite of the New Age religions. Originally started as a protest against the Kansas School Board’s decision to allow the teaching of Creationism and Intelligent Design in school, the Pastafarians have mushroomed into unexpected, wildly creative by-roads of strangeness. Just google Flying Spaghetti Monster and you’ll be entertained for hours. Their volcanoes in heaven spout beer and have stripper poles, for instance.

The original letter to the Kansas School Board reads, in part: “I foresee a day when all three theories are taught equally here in Kansas and with equal respect, that of Intelligent Design, that of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and that of Scientific Reasoning with Verifiable Results.”

And a last word from their scriptures: “I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster—Thou shalt have no monsters before me. The only monster who deserves capitalization is me! Other monsters are false, deceiving monsters, undeserving of capitalization.”

‘til next time, a Happy Saint Patrick’s Day to you all and All Homage to Xena!

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Jody Forest Jody Forest When he's not hidden behind the palatial gates of his Dover estate, Casa de Bozo, Jody is out using outdated and corny pickup lines on various gullible women.

Tagged as:

Surrealist Research Bureau, Yellowstone caldera, supervolcano, Flying Spaghetti Monster, volcanoes, Scientology

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