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Email is not a Qualified Medical Professional

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Why do we seem to have a fatal attraction to Urban Legends?

It’s a good thing the Internet came about when it did, (and by the way, it’s 35 years old this month!) because there’s no telling what the state of my health would be without dozens of friends, acquaintances and yes, even strangers willing to send me daily emails on things that will kill me.

My antiperspirant, I’ve learned, will give me breast cancer while tampons are full of asbestos. Aspartame will cause so many problems (anxiety attacks, depression, joint pain, dizziness, memory loss, blurred vision and more) that the medical establishment had to come up with a category—Aspartame disease—to describe it.

I won’t eat bananas anymore because a crop from Costa Rica will cause necrotizing fasciitis (flesh-eating disease) and canola oil is off the shopping list given it’s toxic for humans. And while I was never a fan of sushi, I wouldn’t go near it now that I’ve learned your brain can become infested with worms if you eat it. (Oh yeah, and there’s pictures to prove it!)

My lipstick has lead in it, soda pop cans are covered in rat urine, shampoo is carcinogenic and waterproof sunscreen will make my children go blind.

Mixing pop rocks and soda pop will kill you, chocolate milk is mostly cow’s blood, wax from the packages of instant noodles builds up in your body, and Bubble Yum contains spider eggs.

As if the world is not dangerous enough, I can get arsenic poisoning from eating shrimp after taking my daily dose of Vitamin C, my pot-scrubbers contain Agent Orange and I can die from wearing shrink-to-fit jeans.

On the bright side, if I cough during a heart attack I can keep myself alive.

There’s so much out there to worry about it seems endless, but the one warning I haven’t received in my email inbox yet is the one telling me (in all caps, please) DO NOT MAKE HEALTH DECISIONS BASED ON FORWARDED EMAILS!!!!!   

The one thing every single one of the emails I’ve mentioned here has in common is that they are simply not true. Makes you wonder just who it is who sits in their cubicle (probably when they’re being paid to do other work) and comes up with these kinds of things. Then you start to wonder why so many of your friends will hit that forward key without checking first to see if the information is true.

While I’m glad to know that so many people care about the state of my health, I don’t need email to serve as my primary care physician.

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Landon Otis

Tagged as:

health, urban legends

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