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The Dark Side of Sarah Palin

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A satirical look at how an interview with the reclusive VP pick might go

An Interview with Sarah Palin

by Kristi Harrison

(Editorial Disclaimer: Some publicity really IS bad publicity, and I don't want the River Journal to end up on CNN. So here's your warning: the following interview is completely made up and false... but it’s funny, and illustrates some of the reasons why non-Palin fans feel the way they do. Please do not send this interview anywhere as purportedly being the ‘real thing.’)

ME: Oh my gosh, Sarah Palin, I am so psyched that you agreed to do this interview!

SARAH: I felt it was important, Kristi, to tell the American people of my intrepid and reforming leadership ways. I don’t blink, Kristi. I don’t blink. See… watch

ME: Oh wow…you really DON’T blink. Your eyes must get super dry. But let’s talk about some issues. Issue one: What’s your favorite recipe for banana bread?

SARAH PALIN: Pardon?

ME: Banana bread. I need some tips. Mine’s a little sweet.

SARAH PALIN: I’m here to talk about the campaign…

ME: I don’t know, Sarah Palin. I watched that interview with Charles Gibson. It was…errr…I don’t think you’re ready for a hardline interview with me. You need more time. Let’s do some girly chit-chat. Can I get you some tea?

SARAH PALIN: I DON’T BLINK, KRISTI. LET’S DO THIS INTERVIEW.

ME: Check this out, I’m going to not blink for a whole minute:

ME: Whew…I don’t know how you do it, Gov’ner. Alright. You want tough questions? Let’s DO THIS! Tough question one: Your make-up, what’s up with it?

SARAH PALIN: I’m not discussing my make-up.

ME: Tough question two: Your hair, what’s up with it?

SARAH PALIN: This is an outrage. Ask me about my energy record.

ME: Your energy record or your oil record? Because you like to play free and loose with using one term when you seem to mean the other, as well as your state’s production of the one that you forget to use when you used the other. Which one, Sarah Palin? Oil, energy, or banana bread? Let’s just skip the oil/energy/banana bread question. Let’s talk about glasses. I like contacts because I think my glasses hide my glorious eyes. What do you think?

SARAH PALIN: I wouldn’t know.

ME: I like how you came to Idaho for college a couple of times. Did you like it here? Why didn’t you come to my house?

SARAH PALIN: It was in the eighties. Were you in Idaho then? How about we talk about my record as governor and as mayor of Wassila?

ME: Uh-uh, Sarah Palin. In my house we call earmarks ‘buttmarks’ because we hate them so much.

SARAH PALIN: Foreign policy, then. Let’s talk about…

ME: cough—not ready—cough

SARAH PALIN: What was that?

ME: Nothing. Okay. You say that you’re an expert on Russia because it’s so close to Alaska, right?

SARAH PALIN: I think I may have been mischaracterized when I used those words. Yes, I believe we need to keep an eye on Russia…

ME: Because Putin’s crazy, right? We can agree on that, sister-girl! Give it to me right there (holds hand up for high five. Sarah Palin thinks she’s too cool for school.) That’s cold, Sarah. That’s Alaska cold, Sarah Palin. So you told Charlie Gibson that the Ukraine should join NATO, and that we’d go to war with Russia on the Ukraine’s behalf if we had to?

SARAH PALIN: The United States has a right to defend her allies, Kristi. And we need to have all options on the table.

ME: That’s awesome how you just totally said that like you meant it. Like, seriously, if we were in the twenties I’d say, “Whatta dame! This doll’s a firecracker!” You just suggested nuclear war with Russia is totally in our foreseeable future! (And I love, by the way, your use of ‘nucular’ during the Gibson interview. Priceless.) I just want pinch your little cute cheeks!

SARAH PALIN: You wouldn’t talk to Obama like this.

ME: That’s because my Obama questions are all about traditionally racist things, like watermelon and fried chicken. You know, (whispery voice) because he’s black.

SARAH PALIN: This interview is over.

ME: My interview with John McCain is going to be about dementia and erectile dysfunction and whether or not he uses Depends yet. I’m also going to ask him if all his childhood friends are dead now, and I’m going to play ‘Fire and Rain’ in the background. That should get a tear out of him. (whispery voice) He’s very old.

SARAH PALIN leaves in the angriest way possible. Slamming doors, stomping. I can tell she wants to give me the finger but she shows some restraint at the last moment.

ME: WHAT? WHAT DID I SAY? I’M NOT SEXIST!!!! I’M A WOMAN! SEE! (Flashes boobs) This interview isn’t over until I say it’s over, missy! Sit your Alaska butt back down here on this rickety stool! YOU’RE LOSING MY VOTE, SARAH PALIN!!!!!!


A fellow River Journaler pointed out that a serious interview with someone who knew and supported Sarah Palin isn’t really offset by a satirical make-believe interview that pokes fun at some of the questions that have arisen around Palin as a VP pick. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get permission to reprint an email sent by a Wasilla, Alaska ‘watchdog’ which details concerns with Palin’s performance, though I link it here. In print, humor will have to suffice. That’s not to say that a serious consideration of Palin’s public record (as with all candidates) isn’t needed.

Like most people, Palin is not easily characterized as good or bad, but an honest look at her actions in public life should give people an idea of whether they would be comfortable with her service as the nation’s vice president, or even, should it become necessary, as president.

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