Home | Other | Humor | From the Mouth of the River

From the Mouth of the River

By
Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font

Saturday Night at the Wing Nut Bar

Saturday night at the WingNut Bar is always the place to be, especially if it’s the first of the month. That’s when everyone gets their government relief checks, social security checks and food stamps. It’s the time for much celebration and the buying of drinks all around.

Besides, Titsi McGillas is bartender on the weekend and will even shave her upper lip. She also wears men’s sleeveless t-shirts and when she works up a sweat, it’s a lot like a wet t-shirt contest with only one contestant. I say one because Titsi only has one breast and two nipples and it protrudes exactly from the center of her chest.

A conversation piece if there ever was one.

"She was born that way," says Lefty. "Me and Stubby and her ust’a swim in the river when we was younguns and didn’t pay no tinchen to it ‘til we got older." One day Lefty tried to separate the nipples and Titsi slapped him so hard both his eyes looked out one hole. For days he walked around like he was touched.

"Mom said for us to leave her alone, cause she were a girl an girls were different. We jes figgered Ma had two breasts ‘cause she had twins to feed and would need two. Titsi didn’t have no younguns yet but she had two nipples, so, she could go either way!"

"I’ve seen ‘em," says a toothless old timer, raising his glass. "Here, here!" says the room as they raised their drinks in salute. "Bull fodder," came a voice from the back of the room. The silence was deafening as all heads turned to the man standing against the wall and doubting the obvious. "That’s not real," he declared, in a profound voice. "That’s a man with an implant!

"I’m from California and I can tell a real one from a fake one as far as I can see it. Why, the mothers down there have their daughters packing double D’s by the time they’re in the sixth grade, using them instead of brains to get ahead in life.

"In fact," he added, "when a girl reaches a certain age, their mothers take them to a doctor for what is called "the procedure!" That includes the implanting of large breasts, a diaphragm, a Brazilian wax job and a blond root system! This is equal to a masters degree at Cal Tech. At that point they can pick any rich man they choose! However," he allowed, "I’ve never seen just one in the middle like that!"

Titsi strolled over to the man and, standing at least a foot taller than he, suddenly stretched her t-shirt over his head, pinning him to the wall!

A big roar of laughter burst out throughout the bar when she uncovered and released him.

"It was worth tha walk ta town, jest ta see the look on your face!" said Lefty McGillas to the stranger.

The stranger, rubbing his eyes, said, "Did you know it had two nipples?"

The room broke out in laughter, again.

"Sure," says Scooter Drywall, "but you were the first guy to ever have one in each eye!" More laughter from the crowd. "Settle down," said Titsi, "or I’ll turn on the karaoke machine and let Scooter sang!"

Suddenly, all heads turned at once toward the door and silence fell over the room. The sound of gravel being torn up in the parking lot along with metal being thrashed about and a occasional breaking of glass came through the doors. Then, through the door burst Wild Woolly Willie, bloody from head to toe, bug-eyed and blabbering. "Help me!" he screamed, and fell back out the door. Everyone rushed outside.

With one headlight dragging on the ground and the other pointed straight up, it was hard to see where all that noise was coming from. "Shoot it, shoot it!" yelled Willie, pointing to the back of what was left of his truck. In unison, everyone took a step back and stretched their necks as if trying to see what was causing all the commotion in the truck!

"It’s a bull elk!" yelled Willie. "Shoot it before it tears up my truck!"

"How in the hell did it get in there in the first place?" asked Scooter.

About that time a six-point antler came flying over the hood and landed amongst the onlookers. The big bull got to his feet, shucked the other antler and stepped out the back of the truck and nonchalantly walked across the street and into the night.

The silence was finally broken when Titsi yelled, "We gotta hear this. Drinks on the house!"

As it turned out Willie hit the elk on his way to the Wing Nut and it landed on the upper bank of the road. "I couldn’t believe my good fortune," Willie said. "I just backed up to the bank and drug the bull into mah truck. But I had so much junk in there, he hung out the back. So I hooked my snow chains around his neck and hung ’em over mah spare tire rack sose he wouldn’t fall out. I’s half way to town before he came to and started tearing up mah truck! I always wanted a six by six to hang mah hat on, now I got one and a good huntin’ story to go with it !"

Subscribe to comments feed Comments (0 posted)

total: | displaying:

Post your comment

  • Bold
  • Italic
  • Underline
  • Quote

Please enter the code you see in the image:

Captcha
  • Email to a friend Email to a friend
  • Print version Print version
  • Plain text Plain text

Author info

Boots Reynolds Boots Reynolds The "internationally-renowned cowboy artist" Boots Reynolds has moved his comedic interpretation of life into the writing field with his regular column in the River Journal - From the Mouth of the River.

Tagged as:

No tags for this article

Rate this article

0