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From the Mouth of the River

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Mudder's Day

“Mudder’s day” is a fact this year. We finally received a needed rain, just in time to muddy up the garden, and right when I had promised Lovie I would help her work up the raised beds and add new top soil.

I do this every year with hopes of collecting enough night crawlers to fish with all year. I prefer the big, fast ones , ones who are fast enough to dodge the blades on the rotor-tiller. These are the ones that can intimidate smaller fish while egging on the big ones.

Mother’s Day brings lots of excitement to the northwest, as it usually signals the true coming of spring. A time of flowers, a time of worm days, at least two in a row. A time to celebrate the gift of life by taking Mother to brunch and the fact she lets you join her means you get to eat out as well; after all, you’re paying.

If you’re buying flowers for her, get the potted kind, something she can transplant in the garden and enjoy all year long. The same with candy - get her the good rich kind, known as the hip huggers, as it goes straight to her hips.

If you have been married as long as we have, gifts start to become a problem; after all how many diamond earrings can she wear? Bracelets, necklaces, toe rings that turn her toe green or if they’re too tight, turns them black! Nipple rings didn’t go over as well as I had hoped; she took them back and traded them for earrings .

(By the way, you might not have married your mother, but that doesn’t excuse you from buying your wife gifts on Mother’s Day.)

When you have been married as long as we have you start to get the feel for what would be more beneficial, more desirable, something she wouldn’t buy for herself. And above all, don’t buy her kitchen appliances. This will only get you two days fighting the dog for the couch!

If you want to hear your wife laugh in a sarcastic manner, buy her lingerie. You know, the kind that has no secrets! You don’t see a lot of that here in the great Northwest. The women here dress in more of the layered look. Cotton PJs under a cotton nightgown, followed by a flannel shirt finished off with two pairs of socks, and if it’s winter, a raggedy ass bathrobe or an afghan given to her by her mother.

If, on the other hand, you were raised here in the Northwest you grew up and became accustomed to this kind of dressage at home. Therefore, men here have developed a strange, yet vivid imagination of what a their wife looks like in Victoria Secret lingerie.

It’s just that putting it on as one of the layers of the layered look somehow takes away from its intended affect.

I hit a home run this year with Lovie’s gift; she said she wanted something she could use and needed so, I bought her a wheelbarrow and fourteen yards of dirt for her garden.

The neighbors tell me our raised beds are looking good. I can’t wait ‘til the swelling goes down so I can see them.

Now, you all love one another ‘cause Father’s Day is coming up.

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Boots Reynolds Boots Reynolds The "internationally-renowned cowboy artist" Boots Reynolds has moved his comedic interpretation of life into the writing field with his regular column in the River Journal - From the Mouth of the River.

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