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Yule go Nuts!

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Yule go Nuts!

I was in town the other day and while doin’ my usual stunts, tried out a little holiday shopping just for the heck of it. Here’s how it went.

Shopping ain’t my strong suit. It takes way too much time to do it right! Due diligence demands researching all the available yet practical options, saying nothing of the ramifications of your purchase. Volumes have been written on cause and effect. Like saving someone’s life and thusly being responsible for their actions thereafter. When you give a gift you are then responsible for whatever the recipient does with it or what it might to do them and/or others. Sling shots, chemistry sets, whoopee cushions and just about anything with a throttle, firing pin or sharp edges are on that list.

I could also mention that I’m about as high tech as a post hole; consequently, every late fall turns into a learning experience for me. Continuing-Ed, so to speak. Enjoyable for the most part but occasionally messy as well like the “electric caulking gun” demo I got to witness at a lumber yard quite a few years ago.

Christmas, for some reason, has become the impetus for bulls#!t gadgets few men and women will end up not getting under their trees. Some are embarrassingly stupid, others only slightly so. Some even make sense but only at the checkout counter and hardly ever when they appear on Christmas morning. It’s some kind of magic, I’m guessing; “White Magic” for the season it shows up in the most!

Anyway, I was picking out a new spud wrench to loosen up some forgotten russets in the garden when I couldn’t help but notice a digital pencil sharpener on display next to an open check stand.

“Forty-eight bucks fer a pencil sharpener?!” I inquired of the clerk, sounding more “blurt-atious” than I’d intended.

“It’s digital!”

I paused, perplexed, and lost my turn.

“It’s also a pencil holder!”

“I’m not surprised!” I said quickly, not wanting to lose my turn again.

Her eyebrows became one brightly focused red line prompting me to add, “So what can it tell me that I don’t already know about a pencil?”

I could have sworn she uttered under her breath, “It guesses your IQ,” but it could well have been growing, come to think of it.

I almost commented on the nice, Christmassy effect her green eyeliner had with that red eyebrow but it wasn’t my turn to speak yet.

In a much deeper voice she said, “If you program it properly and download the digital apps, it will interface with lots of other devices. Like, it wirelessly wakes up the matching ‘digital note pad’ when it senses that you’ve picked up a pencil.”

“Swell!” I admitted, not really caring if this was true but more than half afraid it was.

“The possibilities are endless! They like to talk to electric letter openers and paper shredders just in case of mistakes it might detect in its hard drive.”

“There’s an electric letter opener? How laz...” Groans, snickers and a little flatulence billowed out of the line-turned-audience behind me, managing to cut my opinion short. So I picked up my spud wrench and headed for the door, unconvinced of the need to upgrade my current pencil-sharpening system.

The next potential idiot in line bought two sharpeners and got a rain check for the matching note pads! He had an ear bud in one port, a bluetooth whispering sweet nothings in the other, and a ‘dangly-bud’ emitting a bass beat like an arrhythmic heart which seemed to control his head movements, left foot, right forefinger and maybe other parts besides; all the while discussing life, lists and the pursuit of this current offering with what seemed like thin air. ‘F-M’ technologies (another type of magic) are the hardest to get used to. Hearing people talk to themselves used to be a pretty good sign of trouble and probably still is in some ways. Maybe I’ll bring this subject up again some other time.

Not having much of a load, I got adventurous even for my standards and headed downstream with others on the sidewalk.

I was in the mood to find the perfect compliment to the gag t-shirt I found for my brother last summer of a bunch of beaver in logging gear creating a clear cut. I didn’t have anything in mind, which is normal (ask anyone), so I put my confidence in ‘divine guidance’ like I usually do this time of year.

And it worked!

In less time than it takes to get a pizza delivered to Careywood (or that little town in Egypt), I ran across more stocking stuffers for the reality-impaired than ever I had hoped.

Electric ear muffs, electric stocking hats, electric socks, gloves and long johns! Electric tape measures, plungers, brooms, rolling pins, spatulas, pastry bags and even a cordless paint paddle, I swear!

Digital measuring spoons and cups, rulers, fingernail clippers and swizzle sticks. (I almost grabbed one of those just to read the manual!)

None of those measured up to what I settled on, though. Self-winding underwear! May you all get some fer bein’ good this year.

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Scott Clawson Scott Clawson No, he's not the electrician, he's the OTHER Scott Clawson, who's a quality builder when he's not busy busting a gut while writing his humor column for the first issue of each month, or drawing his Acres n' Pains cartoons.

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humor, Christmas, holidays, shopping

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