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Black Friday

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and then there's "sugar day" and then there's "sugar day"

and other important holidays

 It was Black Friday at the Mercantile in Chipmunk Falls Idaho, when two women showed up at the same time for the big sales grand opening at midnight. Two large women who claimed to be twin sisters, even though one was a year older than the other, wrestled the door man to the ground trying to get him to open the double doors so they could both pass, squashing him so hard chocolate oozed from their pores like brown zits; it wasn’t a pretty sight. 

Leaving his lifeless body at the door they raced to the sales rack, trampling the house cat in their wake and finding only one, one-size-fits-all t-shirt hanging limp on the rack. It had been there since the 1994 Donkey basketball game between the alumni and the graduating class of ‘94. There were two in the class and they were both female, or at least that one claimed to be, but it was never proven. 

It wasn’t until the judge let one girl out on work release to have her baby that the game got started. It was a hard fought game and the alumni went through several cases of Bud Light and won by two points when the girls had to forfeit when the pregnant girl’s water broke doing a lay up. 

The twin sisters who showed up at the Mercantile at midnight of black Friday had been misinformed by hearing ads on the radio by Wally World, Tar Jay and other big box stores that Christmas started back in September and would run until January second at which time Easter would start and the pregnant bunnies who were already being put on display would start delivering. December 25 has been set aside for some cult, and does not interfere with the gluttony that the big box stores start in September. 

If you don’t get it now your neighbor will, and you will be left out! Just to keep things wound up, somewhere in there they have SUGAR day, an evening where they sell all the candy the little duffers can haul home; it’s called Treat. It used to be trick or treat but the little duffers have no way of knowing what trick means, they just want the candy. Feed this to your kids and watch them bounce off the walls for several days at which point you give them a shot of Ritalin or all the Turkey they can eat. 

This is called Thanksgiving, a day when they sell you over-inflated turkeys whose breasts are implanted to a size that would make Dolly jealous, knowing that turkey breast would, like any breast, put a man to sleep in just minutes. With a smile on his face and gravy on his lips he will fall into a narcotic slumber that may last for days, or until the turkey sandwiches run out. 

After the dishes are washed and put away the housewife goes to her room and dons her suit of shopping armor, gathers up her hidden cash and all the credit cards that are not maxed out, frisks her husband for any loose change. Putting his tongue back in his mouth she kisses him on the cheek, says good bye to her children who are fixated on the Disney channel’s Mickey Mouse with no pants on chasing Minnie Mouse, who likewise has no pants on. The mom picks up her two best friends and arrives at the big box store just before midnight. Armed with clubs and bear spray they fight their way to the sales rack marked 90 percent off. One sales lady was already wearing less than that, most of her clothes had been sold from her body. A sales manager was trying to protect her by covering her body with his. 

Hours later the girls exited the store, with three over-loaded shopping carts of Chinese junk they didn’t want and tied it to the back of their car with jumper cables. All the Chinese junk that wasn’t scarfed up by the mentally challenged shoppers was dozed out the back door into dumpsters  to make room for all those cute little bunnies whose butts were red from pooping out those Easter eggs.

In the meantime, Chinese scientists are working night and day trying to come up with fireworks that will make a lot of colorful noise and will refrain from blowing off the fingers of little kids the world over; some Chinese kids were sacrificed in the research.

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Author info

Boots Reynolds Boots Reynolds The "internationally-renowned cowboy artist" Boots Reynolds has moved his comedic interpretation of life into the writing field with his regular column in the River Journal - From the Mouth of the River.

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Thanksgiving, holidays, halloween, From the Mouth of the River, Black Friday

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