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Snow is Not my Friend

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Snow is Not my Friend

Jinx and walking have a troubled relationship

My life is mostly one learning experience after another. Sometimes it takes me several tries, but eventually I learn—except for the whole concept of snow, ice, and the ability to walk on or in it. 

It would seem snow has a weird gravitational pull on my kiester. I have only been back to Clark Fork for two months, and there hasn’t been much snow. I admit, I was loving the lack of the white powdery and slick stuff! I was worried that when the snow finally arrived it would stay until August, but I was enjoying the weather snow-ice-free. 

That is, until the news informed me the snow was not only coming, but was settling in to stay awhile. This was made evident to me one morning as I was exiting the door to the RV. I use the word “exiting” loosely here. I step backwards out onto the stairs of the RV and step down gingerly, so I can hold on with a death grip to avoid the whole nose dive. I feel like I need one of those beepers attached to my tush to indicate I am in reverse!  

While my feet knew they were supposed to be under me, the snow had other things in mind. It had settled on the stairs, camouflaging the ice hiding beneath it. I should have known this though. I mean, there was snow on the ground, it was slowly falling from the sky, and it was freezing outside! Those things all add up to one thing for me… butt plant! Naturally, I had my first fall of the season.

I don’t fall gracefully. It’s not a long way to the ground from the stairs, just far enough for me to bang my rump on the wooden beams of the carport we are parked next to. Can you say splinters? Thankfully, the only one to see me was my husband, Brad, who was hiding his laughter behind his hand as he said, “Are you okay?” Well, I am certainly not okay. I just fell out of my house and I feel like I have a piece of a cactus imbedded in my not-so-private end! I am pretty sure I glared at him, at least until I realized I wasn’t going to die from embarrassment and then I may have giggled a little bit, but only a little bit.

I recall a time not long ago, walking towards Trish’s house, waving to my friend standing on her porch. My wave paired with my verbal greeting must have thrown my steps off (at that time I wasn’t aware that snow has its own personality and has a  serious vendetta against me). My feet flew into the air, and I landed on my butt and head. My derriere was painfully aware that while there was snow on the ground, it was definitely not deep enough to pad my fall! 

All the while, my friend, Trish, was hysterically laughing at me from the porch! She didn’t offer to help me up, no, she couldn’t catch her breath long enough for that. As I practically crawled up her porch, seeing stars the whole way, then and only then did she ask me how I was! How I was? I felt like a member of the Three Stooges! My pride was so bruised it would take years for it to recover. The bruises inflicted on my rear end would be there for weeks! 

Lest you think that fall was a singular incident, I also remember rushing to an employee Christmas party at the Cabinet Mountain Bar and Grill, and a fall that found me almost beneath my car while trying to finagle my way into the driver’s seat. I was trying to get my gift for my friend, Karen, who was waiting at the Cabinet, where the festivities were about ready to begin. My car was low to the ground and no one was home with me as I fell in my driveway. I would have been stuck there for a while if I had gone under the car any further. I had no cell phone; not that it would have mattered, my purse was already in the car! My feet went one way and my body went the other! 

I managed to wiggle and shimmy my way out from under the door, only to discover I had to slip and slide on my knees before I could stand up beside the car. I had to change my clothes as the snow had found its way to every crevice I possessed and was slowly freezing me. It was like having a blizzard in my under pants! Then I had to make it back out to the car, praying the whole way there would not be a repeat performance!  

I managed to make it to the party, but before opening my present I had to tell Karen of my traumatic fall, in case the gift had been destroyed. She laughed too, and proceeded to tell everyone else who, again, laughed. Apparently my falling is of great amusement to my friends. 

After that Banjo and Stacey bought me some metal “tracks” that go over your shoes, providing traction while walking in that deceitful, white precipitation. I lost my first pair in the snow the first time I tried them out and couldn’t find them until spring. The second pair I wore a few times; unfortunately they me feel like I had some kind of growth on the bottom of my feet. I couldn’t lift my feet right and tripped every time I tried. I felt like I was walking on skis! Well, I felt like that’s what it would feel like if I was ever brave enough to put myself on skis. I am clumsy all by myself, trying to ski might literally kill me I believe. 

If I can make it inside the car, I can drive like a champ in the snow; I am not too distressed at the idea of driving in winter conditions. Dale Earnhardt, move over! (Okay, maybe not.) That is because I refuse to drive too fast and I start braking a mile before I need too. Yes, I am that annoying woman driver in front of you with my blinker on two miles after I turn. But I am a safe driver and I have never had a wreck. (You can’t see me, but this is where I am frantically knocking on wood!).  

I know some people are totally ecstatic to see snow. I agree it is pretty, all fluffy and white and it can make even the messiest of yards look pristine. Plus, you can make yummy snowcream. The deadly combination of snow and walking, for me, is the reason for the term “DEAD of winter!”

Someday I will learn to walk upright in the snow. Until that time, snow is not my friend!

Editor's note: Jinx lies like a rug in this story. For the record, when she fell, I rushed IMMEDIATELY to her side to help her up. Yes, I was laughing.

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Author info

Jinx Beshears Jinx Beshears is a southern transplant to North Idaho, and shares her confusion with the Pacific Northwest Lifestyle in her column, Jinxed. When not writing, or living, her outlandish stories, she's generally lost somewhere in the mountains with her dog, Aspen.

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winter, snow, falling, Jinxed

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