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Hawai'i

A Few of the MANY Ways to Have Fun while on the ‘BIG ISLAND’

 Get really burnt. This sounds difficult but it only takes a few minutes. Then...

Go take the ‘C-note Tour’ in Gravel Girty’s hand painted Yugo, upholstered in old coffee plantation burlap. Bring gas money, umbrella, walkin’ shoes and SPF 900 sunblock. When you get back, you can …

Do a round of golf after hours with a croquet mallet, cut-offs and cowboy boots.

Body surf immediately afterwards in the same attire.

Try to pet a mongoose.

or a hula dancer.

or break any of the other local rules just to see if ‘the City of Refuge’ still functions like it did in the ‘olden days’.

Drive around for a few days in shorts until your knees glow like the tail lights on a ’63 Ford Falcon, then …

Go to a Lu’au (a really good one) and on your way home, pull over any rig with a little blue light on its roof, to give aloha and ask directions to either of  ‘Pu’uhonua o Honaunau’ (City of Refuge) or ‘Pu’u Wa’awa’a’ and ‘Laupahoehoe’ streets. Have navigator take picture of expression (use flash). Vanish into darkness.

Read children’s books down in Captain Cook at the ‘Up Country Bakery and Café’ while sipping coffee (Kona) and enjoying a bagel & tuna. (Seriously!)

Take a short nap afterwards at any beach (old lava flow) in such a way that when you get up from your slumber, you look as though tie-dyed.

Go to ‘Magic Sands’ beach to display knees and cool new ‘Speedos.’ Then...

Walk into ‘Bubba Gump’s’ in Kona and ask Mike for the “Seafood Extravaganza.” Mention my name and receive really good service anyway. After that, if you can stand up, you could…

Get even with those pesky upstairs neighbor cows pretending to be human but clomping their hooves endlessly above you during your attempts at rejuvenation after too much sun, surf, sand, map reading, mai tais, walkin’ and hard-to-pronounce street names. You can do this by filling up a large manila envelope with a can of aerosol whoopin’ cream*, seal the flap, let stand a bit to set up, razor-cut the end (carefully so as not to remove too many fingers), tippy-toe upstairs and slide the cut end of the envelope neatly under the door of the cattle pen, ring doorbell to get full attention of herd, yell “who wants pizza?”, then slap the flattest, heaviest object (a Seattle phone book works pretty well) di-rectly on that envelope. Run to your already running vehicle and try to make the ‘City of Refuge’ before getting caught. If you make it, ask the ranger running after you for immediate forgiveness. He may laugh at your story but don’t count on it as I’ve yet to meet one with a sense of humor even way out here. *the original recipe my cousin Will and I got out of a Green Bay Packer handbook back in 1970 called for shaving cream. We found this to be in bad taste (literally) as opposed to ‘whoopin’ cream. You be the judge.

Lastly, thou should go snorkeling with Manta Rays, but before you do, try a little practice first if this activity is new to your noggin. Here are a few tips I managed to retain in all the excitement.

Always go with a ‘buddy’. This gives you at least a 50/50 chance of not being lunch. To improve odds, add more ‘buddies’.

Keep your eyes open. This will help you fill out the forms necessary when one of your ‘buddies’ disappears in a cloud of bubbles.

Try not to look like food.

Practice holding your breath for ten to twelve minutes as this is the approximate length of time it takes an adult octopus to mate and release the average tourist. 

Keep yer nose in an airtight container.

Shrimp- or barbeque-flavored sun block is not really sun block at all but some kinda sick joke.

Flippers are important, even if you have big feet. They won’t help you outrun (sorry, outswim) a predator but the rubber gets stuck in their teeth, making it hard for them to eat anyone else. Side note: put ‘em on and take ‘em off at the water’s edge as seeing someone try to walk, run or even skip to the loo in flippers is so hard on the stomached muscles of onlookers that it too is one of the local no-no’s. Now that you’re actually in the water…

Do Not stick any part of your body into any hole, no matter how small.

If you simply have to enter a cave or deep overhang due to a low I.Q. acquired at birth, re-read tip #1.

If you are fortunate enough to be afflicted with vertigo, you can test whether or not you also have the underwater version by paddlin’ out to the open abyss. Be prepared for the same tightness in the chest, hard and fast breathing, bulging eyes and the audible clapping of your sphincter muscle. Relax, this is not the sound of a hungry shark nearby. That old soundtrack will come to mind when you head back in. Do not look over your shoulder as this apparently looks uncool.

ALOHA! 

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Author info

Scott Clawson Scott Clawson No, he's not the electrician, he's the OTHER Scott Clawson, who's a quality builder when he's not busy busting a gut while writing his humor column for the first issue of each month, or drawing his Acres n' Pains cartoons.

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Hawaii, vacation, Scott Clawson, Big Island

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