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Things I've Done in the Past

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Things I've Done in the Past

(and hopefully will never repeat)

Try to run in wet cement.

Run with scissors.

Or idiots.

Run from a loaded gun.

Or a loaded grizzly.

Step out of a moving vehicle with a loaded weapon.

Get tunnel vision.

Fight a house fire naked.

Open a smoking door.

Catch a hardball with my nose.

Attempt a handstand over a balcony railing.

Try to shave with a hunting knife.

Or probe a nostril on a bumpy road.

Or “Hitch-a-bob” a similar one in winter.

Go on a road trip with $1.45 in travel expenses.

Buy a dirt bike that weighs more than I do.

Crack the throttle on a yz-400 Yamaha.

Assume the drain plugs are in place when launching the boat.

Also that my ‘first mate’ might see some humor in this type of thing.

Believe taxes will ever go down.

Trust the weather report when it’s important that it be right.

Or a fire extinguisher gauge.

Swear to anything.

Play deaf when someone hollers “Catch!”, “Heads!” or, “Think fast!”

Say “Okay” when someone asks me to hold onto their anal retentive dog    “For just a minute or two while we go get more beer.”

Think I could be an electrician.

Or a politician.

Pass a water truck while it’s washing the lane I’m in.

Ride a bike in flip-flops.

Play Mumbley Peg.

Spit out the first thing that comes to mind in mixed company.

Burst into spontaneous laughter at funerals.

In church.

Or court.

Go to Wal-Mart for anything.

Search furiously for the one thing held so firmly in a clenched fist.

Drive a nail with my left hand using my right thumb as a homing device.

Consider gasoline as a reasonable approach to gopher reduction.

Or to start a slash fire.

Assume a line trimmer can be trusted around flowers or pets.

Or my tiller within three feet of anything of value.

Bend over to tie a shoe in front of a door.

Use the top of my head for anything but hat storage.

Think I can ever wrap my head around my computer.

Expect a clean, clear answer when calling customer service.

Question my wife’s motives.

Drop trees near anything of value.

Loan out anything with a pull starter or sharp teeth.

Get a very comfortable shave first thing in the morning only to realize the guard was still on the razor.

Gargle with body wash. 

Brush with hand lotion.

Fire up my Sonicare prior to getting it in my mouth.

Step on a bar of soap.

Or, one of my favorites, is to get up for relief in the middle of the night, leaving brain on pillow so as not to disturb sleep, trust auto-pilot for guidance in lieu of lights, only to go skinny-dipping because the seat was left up!!

I could go on but this list is embarrassing enough.

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Author info

Scott Clawson Scott Clawson No, he's not the electrician, he's the OTHER Scott Clawson, who's a quality builder when he's not busy busting a gut while writing his humor column for the first issue of each month, or drawing his Acres n' Pains cartoons.

Tagged as:

Acres n Pains, bad choices

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