Home | Other | Humor | The Threat to Second Base

The Threat to Second Base

Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font

Boots on breast cancer

Breast cancer is one of the most dreaded afflictions a woman can have, yet it’s now a common disease that’s expected as well as feared in a woman’s life today. I don’t really know when it became this predominant in women’s lives. My grandmother had 16 children, raised 12 by breast feeding and when she was 86 had sugar diabetes. They later discovered she had cancer, and she died in the hospital with pneumonia. 

We are told early detection of cancer is the key to saving lives, and the early detection method was a hand’s on by some male doctor who might have done more fondling than detection. Then came the X-ray, where they placed your breast under a vice and squeezed it flatter than a flitter. If you’ve undergone this procedure, you’re probably noticed the nurses that work the X-ray machine have a cruel and sadistic look about them, and change appearance shortly after dark on a full moon. With your breast in a vice there’s only so far you can jump and squeal without stretching it out like a rubber band, at which point when she turns you loose, your breast now hangs down below your panty line. You might be surprised to learn that this has come a long way from the old days; they no longer get there nurses from (THE HOME). Now they have someone with more sensitivity and experience.

I don’t know when so much attention was placed on breast cancer, but I think it all started in the early 50s. Some doctors came up with a formula for babies’ milk and to sell the stuff they convinced women it was better than mother’s milk; and besides, it would save your breast from sagging and ruining your appearance, plus you could feed your baby in public without exposing your breast to all the googly-eyed men. 

It was about this time when a fellow named Hugh Heffner came out with a magazine that exploited women’s breasts, by printing a several-page layout of some young lady wearing nothing but a bikini bottom, and supporting two large perky breasts. 

He later wrote that these were not just any girls, these were just the girls next door; apparently I have never lived in that neighborhood as I never seen any of those girls next door. 

This accomplished two things: one, it introduced young men to whatever those things were that women had sticking out from under their blouses and two, it made the girls feel somewhat in adequate because most of them were just starting to date and were just starting the use of training bras. So, sitting in a darkened theater with your arm around your girlfriend and finding out you had a hand full of Kleenex, you just assumed she had the sniffles and you tried to stuff them back in there. 

This went on for quite some time until some doctors in Hollywood discovered implants; this opened up a whole nother world for women who wanted big breasts. I have a friend who now lives back East and she has large breasts; her name is Titsi McGillas. You might have read about Titsi before. Titsi is not over five feet tall but her breasts would fit a woman let’s say about six foot six. Her husband is over six feet and is proud of his wife’s looks. 

Until recently, when they discovered cancer in one breast and it was so far along they had to amputate. They were devastated; and even more so when they discovered just how much a large breast weighs. Poor Titsi was so off balance that she walked in circles for days until she got her prosthetic breast, which balanced her out.

Also, some times at night she would take it off and let her husband play with it until he went to sleep.

Stop by the cancer center and pick up a brochure showing you how and where to look for lumps in your breast. One friend found hers in the lymph nodes, not out in her breast where she thought it would grow. 

My publisher said she saw on the news where if your husband massaged your breast every evening, that the kneading would break up any tumors. Men, talk to your wives before attempting this medical intervention, or it might also break the side of your face and your nose!

Subscribe to comments feed Comments (0 posted)

total: | displaying:

Post your comment

  • Bold
  • Italic
  • Underline
  • Quote

Please enter the code you see in the image:

  • Email to a friend Email to a friend
  • Print version Print version
  • Plain text Plain text

Author info

Boots Reynolds Boots Reynolds The "internationally-renowned cowboy artist" Boots Reynolds has moved his comedic interpretation of life into the writing field with his regular column in the River Journal - From the Mouth of the River.

Tagged as:

breast cancer, From the Mouth of the River

Rate this article