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From the Mouth of the River

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From the Mouth of the River

Will Santa have to work for food?

Well, ya just didn’t think it could happen, didja? When Bush and the Republicans deregulated big business and the banking industry it was like opening the gate and letting the hogs out—they devoured everything in sight. They had to work nights to build more offshore banks just to hold their loot.

The housing market finally crashed when the gluttons at the trough choked themselves on high interest rates. So, Bush and the boys stepped in and said we will bail you out and we will let the dummies you ska-rude in the first place pay for it. Now, I know you have heard of the trickle down effect, and you never in your life would have ever thought this would happen, but Santa Clause just received his eviction notice last week. That’s right, with only two more payments to fulfill his home loan obligation, Santa received an eviction notice. Seems the loan paper on his house had been traded to a Chinese conglomeration who took advantage of the fine print in his contract to not only quadruple his interest rate, but to make it retroactive back to 1974, thus making it impossible for him to make his payments. That’s right, Santa is being evicted.

Santa’s little helpers, the Elves, who had been working for just subsistence wages, are being replaced by five- and six-year-old Chinese kids who will work for a dollar thirty-seven cents a day and feed themselves on rice and reindeer soup. Santa himself, after his divorce, will be moved to a FEMA trailer in south Louisiana. The Elves were issued sombreros and moved to California to pick strawberries and other fruit that’s close to the ground.

Upon receiving this devastating news Santa started to drink to drown his sorrow and relieve his stress. That’s when Mrs. Clause found Santa passed out in bed with several of the Elves and two fairies taking videos. Little Wewe, the smallest of the Elves, was seen riding off on Rudolph to join the Dancing with the Stars TV show.

Sweepy is the one-legged elf who always rode on the back runner of Santa’s sleigh and whose job it was to sweep the reindeer crap off the roof of each house so as not to leave any evidence of Santa having being there, in case there were damages to the roof, stovepipes, or chimneys. This kept Santa’s liability insurance down as well as the possibility of lawsuits. Sweepy lost his leg when the big girl Santa was ice skating with clipped him with a skate. In the out-of-court settlement, Sweepy received a wooden leg with the head of a broom attached and was given the job of sweeping up after the reindeer on Santa’s once-a-year jaunt.

Missus Clause, who lost out because of the Chinese takeover and received no support from her penniless husband, was granted a stimulus package from the government of a hundred and forty thousand dollars for a new wardrobe plus eight million dollars for a start-up business designing a line of clothing for obese women.

As for Christmas gifts, not to worry, in order to pay for all those billions of dollars in stimulus packages (that you’re not getting any of) the government has decided to let YOU BUY all those gifts the Chinese have made for your children’s Christmas. (Preferably the toxic ones, as they need to get those off the shelf.) Go to the nearest Chinese outlet store like Wally World, Tar-J and most any box store and spend as much as you can’t afford—after all, it’s for our kids and besides, it’s their grandkids who will still be paying for it, long after you’re gone.

So, how did the great Northwest vote on all of this? Oh wait, you didn’t get a vote! So, what‚ do ya think? Maybe we should come up with a another day to celebrate the birth of Christ, ‘cause this one just isn’t working out.

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Boots Reynolds Boots Reynolds The "internationally-renowned cowboy artist" Boots Reynolds has moved his comedic interpretation of life into the writing field with his regular column in the River Journal - From the Mouth of the River.

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