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From the Mouth of the River

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It's Boots' birthday

Well, today is my birthday. (Not today as you read this, but today as I write it.) And I have lived long enough they no longer put candles on my cake because of the fire hazard.

Birthdays are like mile markers in your life. The first few are great, they’re like gimmies. You get cake and ice-cream, then gimmie them presents! Most of which are toys.

Then, you’re at school age. Ice cream and cake and instead of neat stuff you get clothes.

Finally you’re a teenager and they can’t buy you any clothes, because your parents pick out clothes that make you look stupid and goofy. So you get your own. It’s at this time in your life that hormones start to kick in and you become a lover and a fighter and a wild horse rider.

Then comes the greatest day of your life, finally! Your twenty-first birthday. The day you become old enough to do anything you want.

That’s when you find out it’s either illegal, immoral or fattening and you can’t afford it anyway.

It’s easy to cruise between twenty-one and thirty like it’s no big deal.

Thirty to forty you start to take things seriously. On your fortieth birthday they poke fun at you for being over the hill. You didn’t even know you were on a hill. You shrug it off with a laugh.

Now you’re fifty. Where did that come from? Now, people are talking about how soon you’ll be sixty-five. Who mailed me this AARP card? You find yourself talking to old people in the mall. Wait a minute! I shouldn’t be hanging out with these old folks. But these are all my friends. How did they get to be this old?

"What did I come in here for? I’m sure I left home with a list. I’ve sat here in this parking lot for over an hour, waiting on that woman to finish shopping. It didn’t take me ten minutes to get what I needed and get back out here. Now I’ve waited over an hour on her. She must have run into one of her old friends, and she just plain forgot about me sitting out here in the hot sun."

It’s at this time you realize you’re sitting in the Home Depot’s parking lot and your wife is at Wal-Mart waiting on you.

People get upset and worrisome at first, thinking they’re getting Alzheimer’s instead of old timers. But really, you should embrace it. Learn to enjoy those little moments. If anyone is going to laugh at you, it should be you. If, for instance, you’re shopping and you catch yourself just walking up and down the aisles looking at stuff and forgot what you’re looking for, just load the cart with all kinds of items you would buy if you had the money, and leave it at the restroom door.

People will be nice to you when you’re a senior. Just the other day a very attractive young lady opened the door for me, then politely asked me to get out of her car, and directed me toward mine, parked in section "D."

The other day I was standing out front of Wally World enjoying the warm sunshine while Lovie did some shopping, when a lady, who was over the hill, so to speak, in fact she had gone over several hills, came out the door with a shopping cart loaded down with Hong Kong specials. She hesitated long enough to take in the whole parking lot with a long, lingering stare. And then, that lost look came over her face. Suddenly she realized people were looking at her and she stuck her nose in the air like a lead cow and started out, just like she knew where she was going.

The second time around she was starting to get tired; by the third time she passed me, her hat was on crooked and she was having a conversation on her cell phone that went something like this: "Well, what color is it?" she asks. "Silver! Do you know how many silver cars there are in this parking lot? Well, is it a two door or four door? Mini-Van! When did we get a Mini-Van?"

Old people are set in their ways, too. With a long line at the checkout counter, they will spend 30 minutes trying to find either a coupon for a nickel off or seven cents in change so they won’t have to break a dollar bill.

This comes from old school, when America was under the gold standard. When you got paid you cashed your check, paid your bills in cash and what you had left was what you lived on until next payday! And the old saying was, if you break a twenty, it’s gone. If you break a dollar, consider it spent! And they were right. It’s much easier to spend smaller change than big money. But in today’s plastic market place, we never see our money, coming, or, going!

So, remember: When you see a senior (old fart) up in front of you at the checkout counter trying to find six pennies so he won’t have to break a nickel, realize he knows how much money he has to spend this month and you don’t have a clue!


Something to think about: Did you know that Montana has a speed limit of 75 miles per hour? But when they cross over to Idaho they drive 45! Washington state has a speed limit of 70 miles per hour, but when they cross over to Idaho, they drive 85! Yet, Idaho’s speed limit is 55 Go figger.


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Boots Reynolds Boots Reynolds The "internationally-renowned cowboy artist" Boots Reynolds has moved his comedic interpretation of life into the writing field with his regular column in the River Journal - From the Mouth of the River.

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