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From the Mouth of the River

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A $40,000 Turkey Call

I was out standing in my field and wondering why, because it’s raining, and now that’s turning to snow I decided to take an armload of firewood and go to the house.

This is just like K and K week on Lake Pend Oreille; it always snows on their fishing derby, has for the last 40 years. Somewhere and on some days it’s gonna snow!

I saw Trilliums in bloom this morning on my walk. That’s a sure sign spring is just around the corner. I say just around the corner, cause old man winter is still kicking ass. And Global Warming is still up in Alaska somewhere.

On my way to the house with the firewood, a pickup pulled up in the yard. I almost missed it because it was one of those new camouflaged Chevys, special made for hunters.

“Hello my friend,” a familiar voice said. It was Woody Debris and his son Chip, the French Canadians who just recently moved in up the creek. “Howdy boys,” I said. “I didn’t see ya drive up in that new camo truck. Why, you even got clothes to match,ey!?”?

“And our shotguns too, ‘ey’?, Woody said. “We have a camouflaged turkey stand and camo back pack, underwear and socks, ‘ey!”

“What on earth are you fellers up to? Are you just trying to hide from Mrs. Debris?”

“No sir,” Woody said, “We’re turkey hunting, ey?! We just bought all the latest camo gear you Americans use to become successful turkey hunters. Also, maybe you could tell us a good place to set up our camouflaged turkey blind. We purchased four different kinds of turkey calls and thought we would stop by and ask you which one you thought would be the appropriate one to use to get a large gobbler or two.”

I looked at Woody for a minute and laid my armload of firewood down, and then finally said, “Good Lord, man, what did all this cost?”

“Well,” he said, after giving it some thought, “the truck and the guns cost the most, that’s obvious, but with all this camo gear to go with it… just under a hundred thousand! You Americans go all out on your turkey hunting, ey?

“Now, what do you use to call turkeys when you want to coax in a gobbler?” he asked.

I looked at him for a minute and thought to myself, this is going to be embarrassing! “Well,” I said, “I usually just honk the horn on my truck. Like this,” I said as I reached in the window and honked his camouflaged horn. All of hell broke loose just around behind the barn. Gobblers started gobbling and fighting. I said, “Get out of your truck and load your guns!

“Guns loaded? Now slam your truck door and be ready.” As soon as he slammed the truck door the turkeys started in again. This time they charged around the corner of the barn and straight for us. “Shoot, man, for God’s sake shoot! We’re being charged!”

It was several minutes before all the feathers settled to the ground after the shooting stopped. Gobblers were flopping and kicking their last, trying to protect their flock of hens, who were peeking around the side of the barn. The one lone gobbler, who had been whipped out by all the tough strutters, suddenly got a smile on his beak and his wattle turned red and his head turned blue. He had just inherited his very own harem.

“Hay, you boys did good. Now I won’t have to watch where I step anymore or what I track into the house. I did notice, however, that shotgun your son is using shoots a little high, but it has a nice pattern according to my barn door! I know you’re anxious to get home and clean your birds and brag on your success. But I wouldn’t tell anyone you paid over forty thousand dollars for a two-seater turkey call!”

Boots

Note: America needs to do away with all its STOP signs! Why you ask? It would serve three purposes. One, it would save millions of gallons of gas. Two, put up yield signs, they’re just as legal and serve the same purpose as stop signs. You’re required to stop and yield the right of way if traffic is approaching. If not, you don’t waste all that gas stopping and starting up again!

Besides, no one stops at a stop sign anymore anyway. They’re too busy talking on their phone!

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Boots Reynolds Boots Reynolds The "internationally-renowned cowboy artist" Boots Reynolds has moved his comedic interpretation of life into the writing field with his regular column in the River Journal - From the Mouth of the River.

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