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From the Mouth of the River

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From the Mouth of the River

Sarah Palin, People of Wal-Mart and more of Boots' observations on life in 2010

If it had been a race for excitement in December around here, Santa would have come in a distant third. First place, of course, would have to be when the bottom dropped out of the thermometer without any cushion of snow for Mother Earth. And running a very close second was the return of Sara Palin to her place of birth, Sandpoint, Idaho. She didn’t return because she was homesick for old friends; after all, she left here when she was just a baby. She actually stopped by to sign her new book, “Going Rogue,” which some of the local fellows from Chipmunk Falls mistook to mean skinny dippin’. They were disappointed when they couldn’t find any nude pictures of her in the book. The most asked question of her was, of course: “Are you going to run for the president in 2012?” At which point she would ask, “Who do you want this book signed to?”

If you’ve noticed, all her book signings have been in small to medium size towns and cities in middle America. While she’s getting down and rich with the local folks, her entourage is running a continuous survey as to how people would vote if she did run for office. Seventy-four percent of the women would vote for her while 60 percent of the men would if their wives were present.  However, if the wife was not present, 97 percent of the men would vote for her. But if she were to take a page from the book of the ‘rogue’ father of her daughter’s illegitimate child and did a centerfold for Playboy her popularity would take a significant leap forward. While the women’s vote would drop off by 10 percent, the men’s vote would pick up past 110 percent with the lesbian vote jumping by over 20 percent. This would make her a shoo-in if she picked a young handsome feller as a running mate. Someone for the girls to giggle over. I know you thought that 110 percent was a little much, but don’t forget, this is the presidency we’re talking about here and anything can happen when the votes get counted. Remember when Bush was elected? Florida had a third more votes for him than they had residents. Also, she would have to run as an Independent in order to draw votes from both sides of the fence. Of course, all of this is just speculation, except that part about it being brass monkey cold. And even that has its benefits.

Yep, ice fishing started this weekend and we all met on the ice to fish and talk about Tiger Woods and what was he thinking? Well, it was obvious what he was thinking as well as what he was thinking with. Women couldn’t believe how long it took for him to get caught and the men from Chipmunk Falls couldn’t believe there were no ugly women involved. Stubby says of the girls at Chipmunk Falls, “You don’t know what ya’ got until after the weddin’ and ya’ gets all them winter cloths offa her.” And the men are not much different. Titsy McGillas said she found another set of long handles on her second husband when she gave him his spring bath! 

Speaking of clothes, have those of you who are connected to the Internet been getting those emails from friends or associates of people photographed at Wal- Mart stores around the country? A lot of those pictures were taken in California stores and many are taken in stores from the south. This is the most frightening thing I have ever seen Americans do in public.  There are semi-nude people with everything hanging out. Some with no underwear on unless it’s on the outside of a skimpy mini skirt and that’s just the men! Now, we are not talking about Victoria’s Secret models here. We’re talking about people with the words, ‘Double Wide’, ‘Wide load’, and ‘Use Forklift Only’, written on their back side. And other things like, “If I’m farting I’m backing up”, and “What the f**k are you looking at?” Some of these people think, “Soap and Water” is the name of their dog and the only time they get wet is while waddling through the parking lot.  They seem to think that shoes and shirts are all that is required to go out in public anymore. 

 At our Wal-Mart I see even some of our local children are learning to be slobs by wearing their pajamas and house shoes to the stores now. Trying to make a statement I guess. All they gotta do is put on two or three hundred pounds and they are there. This kind of behavior in public is wrong in so many different ways. Restaurants would not serve these people as it would be illegal and unsanitary. I guess Wal-Mart will now have to have a dress code person at the door along with a greeter. “If it ain’t covered don’t bring it in here.”  People at Wal-Mart who handle fruit and vegetables have to wear gloves to handle food, while these slobs not only fondle all the fruit and vegetables, they sample them as well. 

Bonnie Shields, my artist friend from Gold Creek, just got back from Las Vegas. Said she spent twenty minutes in a Wal-Mart store down there and couldn’t sleep for two days. She was exposed to sights no normal person should have to look at. We have a neighbor who just moved here from California and he said wait until you see what’s coming. Down there morals are considered a family defect. And right when we thought American morals couldn’t sink any lower it’s taking a nose dive. Mark my word, the next reality show on TV will be, “What I saw at Wal-Mart.”  It will be a state by state competition, with the winners getting a free pass to Fred Meyers. Thank your stars we live in a cold climate where most folks are smart enough to cover up!  Even then you still see some pretty scary stuff.

I know it’s been really cold at your house this past month but thank God it’s winter ‘cause this would be a disaster if it was July!

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Boots Reynolds Boots Reynolds The "internationally-renowned cowboy artist" Boots Reynolds has moved his comedic interpretation of life into the writing field with his regular column in the River Journal - From the Mouth of the River.

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